It’s 2018 and race is still a thing. You know, as in race relations, social injustice and my favorite (not really) dating. The same issues my mom faced when dating, long before I was born, I am now experiencing. Black men still have issues dating black women, or to be more specific darker complexioned black women.
Let me be clear, I am not against interracial dating. Less than four months ago I witnessed my older sister marry the love of her life. My brother-in-law is a white guy of Lithuania descent. Although I am open to interracial dating, this topic has always been in the back of my mind, waiting for the right moment for further exploration. I didn’t want to have an issue just to have an issue, but the time has come for me to explore the notion that there are men who may pass on me, simply because of the color of my skin.
Grown-ish is my new favorite show. It is the spin off from ABC’s Blackish. Last week they aired an episode that touched on the topic of interracial dating. More specifically, black men preferring not to date black women. Of course, I took this as a sign from the universe that I need to face the white elephant lurking in my thoughts. Its time for me to talk about this subject.
The episode focused on the characters, Jazz and Sky, who are twins. They discuss how hard it is dating when you’re a black woman. To them it seems to be an unfair situation to be in. I must say they made some valid points.
They explored the stereotype that black women have attitudes, while also discussing society’s appropriation of our culture in terms of fashion, make-up, features, etc. It seems people want our style, full lips, and big butts; they just don’t want to bear the burdens of actually being a black woman.
The guys on the show expressed two different views. One, men are attracted to their mothers. Although it sounds weird, even creepy, it’s normal. Let’s face it; a lot of girls want to grow up and marry their father. We saw this play out in the season finale of the NBC hit show This Is Us.
Aaron, a character on Grown-ish, believed his attraction to light skinned or mixed women, was related to his attraction to his mother. A light skinned woman. Second, a black guy from Queens, NY, admitted that he grew up around black women, but now that he’s attending a PWI, he is excited to explore other options. He claims not to pay attention to race; he simply goes with the flow. I guess he never noticed melanin was no longer in his box of favorite things.
In my quest for answers, I came up with this list of stereotypes black men make when choosing not to date black. My list comes from conversations with black male friends and other men.
- “Black women are hard to deal with,” or “Black women are always so angry.” Okay, this is the most annoying statement EVER. I really wonder are we hard to deal with or if we just aren’t willing to put up with their crap. In terms of being angry, are black men giving us a reason to be angry? The few men that have said this to me have been guys I was dating. The statement came after I had refused to take their BS or accept whatever garbage they were feeding me. Sorry, not sorry, for having standards.
- “Black women aren’t submissive.” “I love black women just not black American women.” This statement can be a little touchy. My opinion is, American women and women of different ethnicity are raised completely different. We have a different set of standards when it comes to how we treat men.
- “I want my children to be exotic, I don’t want them to be just black” Okay what does this mean? Are you implying that black isn’t exotic? Black isn’t beautiful? This is crazy because most of these guys were not born to exotic looking parents.
- “Black women aren’t cultured” This one took a while for me to really break down and understand. I understood it from two viewpoints. One, black women aren’t educated and two, black women aren’t well traveled. Basically, what these guys are saying is black women are ignorant to most things in the world. Can we say, so not true? Black women are more likely to travel outside the country and plenty of us have earned college degrees.
To be fair, I talked to a few black women on interracial dating to get their perspective. Not surprising, it was a much different conversation. Almost all of them would want to be with a black man as their first choice. Their decisions to date non-black men stemmed mainly from how they were treated by, black men. Imagine that. They felt as if black men never found them attractive or good enough. In retrospect, black men ultimately pushed them into the arms of men from other ethnicity.
I guess with all systemic issues, until we can have an open honest dialogue the problems will persist. I simply ask that black men be honest for a change. Your stereotypes about black women are completely biased and lack foundation. I’m all for love when it’s genuine and pure. People meet and fall in love all the time. I just ask that you stop coming up with these ignorant explanations and constant bashing’s of black women, as your excuse for passing us over. Believe me, we gone be alright.